


i give in and you don't give up

by Duck_Life



Series: i brought a lemon to a knife fight [2]
Category: X-Factor (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Gladiators, Hurt/Comfort, Letters, M/M, Pain, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-13 20:01:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16024964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duck_Life/pseuds/Duck_Life
Summary: Julio shows up in an arena on Mojoworld and gets pushed into being a gladiator. He fights for the chance to see Shatterstar again. (Based on X-Factor #259)





	i give in and you don't give up

> "I kick and you like to punch   
> I'm unhinged and you're undone"  
> \- The Wombats

This planet isn't  _ his _ , but it's made of the same stuff. Iron, magnesium, feldspar, nickel. And despite everything Julio knows about Mojoworld, the planet itself is a comfort. She has nothing to do with the activity on the planet, any more than his own Earth is responsible for war and famine and destruction. In his dark cell, Julio digs his fingers into the dirt and listens to the constant, familiar ache of the alien world.

The first time the guards give him a blade, he thinks about turning it on himself. He meant to die when he attacked Mephisto. So really, he's already made the decision. (He's made this decision about seven times already, but someone's always been there to talk him down and now there's no one there.) The guards lead him out to the arena, and as he walks down the long corridor Julio decides it would be best to do it out there in the open, as a “Fuck you" to Mojo. He contemplates angles and how much time he'll have to work with, whether he should cut his wrists and bleed out or go full Juliet Capulet and just shove the damn thing through his heart. 

As he draws closer to the arena, though, his mind jumps to Shatterstar, and his hands shake without warning. These gladiatorial fights were Shatterstar’s whole existence once. This is how he was treated, like a dog in a ring, dehumanized, objectified, dragged out to entertain the masses. And Julio remembers how he smiled in the mornings, with lazy rays of sun brushing his face, and Julio remembers how he died, in a flash of light, screaming as Mephisto…

Fuck.  _ Fuck _ . He feels like an idiot for not realizing it sooner. Mephisto vaporized him, and he wound up on Mojoworld.

So. So odds are, when Mephisto zapped Shatterstar, the same thing happened. Which means Shatterstar is here somewhere, trapped on Mojoworld just like him, back in the place that turned him into a tool and taught him emotions were for higher beings and not for him.

Shatterstar is alive, and he's here, somewhere. Which means Julio has to live. 

And he's barely decided that when his opponent lurches toward him, blades swinging.

* * *

Alone in his cell, Julio writes letters in his head to his friends and imagines the cost of interdimensional postage.

_ Tabs, _

__ It fucking sucks here.   
I want to go home.   
I miss you but you’d hate it here.

_ Love, _ _   
_ _ Ric _

_ Dear Rahne, _

_ I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry you couldn’t get the life with Tier you deserved.   
I wish I could’ve been the kid’s fake father/gay uncle. I really think I might’ve been good.  _

_ Maybe not. _

_ Love, _ _   
_ _ Julio _

_ Dear Jamie, _

_ Are you still a demon? You probably are. I’m sorry. _

~~_Lo_ ~~   
—  _ Rictor _

Somewhere in the midst of all his imaginary letter writing, Julio remembers that there’s no way they managed to find a way out of the Hell on Earth War. It strikes him as suddenly as the realization that Shatterstar was alive had, that certainty that all his friends are dead. That the planet he loves so much is currently overrun with demons and hellfire and it probably always will be. 

With that in mind, it seems kind of stupid to feel sorry for himself. 

He manages to do it anyway. 

Julio fights. Julio wins. He doesn’t kill anyone, he’s very careful about that, learning the fastest ways to incapacitate his opponents without ever shedding blood. He’s never wanted to kill for anyone, but he especially doesn’t want to kill for Mojo. He won’t do it. 

_ Dear Cameron Hodge, _

__ I think I should probably hate you for what you did to mutantkind, and to hundreds and thousands of innocent people.   
But I don’t. I just hate you for what you did to me.   
And I don’t know if that’s okay or not.

_ — Rictor _

_ Dear Tabby, _

__I wish you weren’t dead.  
You’re my best friend in the universe and I’m not even in our fucking universe right now.   
I’m sorry X-Factor fucked up and we couldn’t stop the war. I  
really fucking wish I could talk to you right now.

_ Love, _ _   
_ _ Julio _

_ Dear Terry, _

_ I know you’re all mystical and shit now, so maybe you can actually hear this.  _

~~_ I need help. I need you to help me. Ple _ ~~

~~_ X-Factor needs you so _ ~~

_ I hope you’re okay. Hope you’re doing well.  _

_ Love, _ _   
_ _ Rictor _

Julio fights and he thinks about seeing Shatterstar again, because usually that’s the only thing that can keep him on his feet. It’s also one of the things that stops him from going for the killshot even when he gets desperate, because he keeps thinking about the way ‘Star would look at him if he killed a man in the arena. (Which is stupid, because that was Shatterstar’s fucking life for 17 years and it’s not like he’d hold it against Julio, but still.) 

_ Dear Tabby, _

_ If it weren’t for you, I would’ve killed myself when I was 15.  _

_ So I guess this is all your fault, kind of. Ha. Just kidding. Love you. _

_ Love, _ _   
_ _ Ric _

Every fight becomes a weird mental battle with himself where he tries to incentivize what he has to do by thinking about ‘Star. If he shakes the ground in just the right way, he will get to see ‘Star again. If he dodges and blocks these blows, he will get to see ‘Star again. If he holds his head high when he walks out of the arena, he will get to see ‘Star again. 

He doesn’t. At the end of each fight, he gets led back to his cell and ‘Star isn’t there, of course. But as long as he’s still fooling himself into surviving, it’s worth it. 

_ Dear Shatterstar, _

_ Nobody knows my real name. All I told them was Rictor and the guards don’t even get that right half the time.   
But no one knows my name. That way they can’t take it from me. _

_ Julio Richter. Julio Esteban Richter. It’s mine. It’s still mine, and they can’t take that away.  _

_ I miss hearing it though. _

_ Love, _ _   
_ _ Julio Esteban Richter _

_ ‘Star, _

__I love you. I love you so much.  
You know what’s fucking stupid? I never even said it.   
I never even said it out loud, no matter how much I thought it.   
IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou.   
When I see you again, I’m going to tell you. 

_ I love you. _

_ Love, _ _   
_ _ Julio _

_ Dear Shatterstar, _

_ I’m going to get out of here. I’m going to get out of here and I’m going to see you again.   
And when I see you again, I’m going to kiss you. And I’m going to tell you that I love you, because I do.  _

_ Love, _ _   
_ _ Julio _

When Julio sees Shatterstar again, it’s in the arena. 

The way his opponent moves is as familiar to him as his own heartbeat, but he still needs to be sure. He sends out the seismic wave to knock the helmet off, and there he is. 

“ _ Shatterstar _ !” Julio screams his name in some cross between a desperate plea and a cry of joy. “‘Star, it’s me! It’s Rictor! Stand down, for God’s sake!” After weeks and weeks of sustaining himself on the slim possibility that he might see the man he loves again, Julio isn’t prepared for Shatterstar to come charging toward him, out for blood. 

Dimly, he can hear Mojo gloating on the big screen. But he’s too concerned right now with stopping ‘Star from killing him. “It’s me. ‘Star,  _ listen _ to—” But Shatterstar kicks him, drives him into the dirt. Julio thinks wildly of ‘Star growing up like this, covered in blood and killing every man they put in front of him to entertain the Spineless Ones. 

He becomes aware of a few things— Mojo’s suddenly gone quiet, which has to mean he’s been disconnected because that slime never shuts the fuck up. There are rebels storming the arena. But Shatterstar’s still trying to kill him. 

And Julio realizes two things at once— one, Shatterstar is definitely going to kill him. He’s a better fighter than Julio’s ever been, and he has way more experience in this very arena. And two— as soon as Julio’s dead, Shatterstar’s going to snap out of whatever brainwashing’s been done to him, because that’s the way this shitty multiverse works. 

Julio can’t do anything about the first thing, but maybe he can mitigate the second. He rolls to avoid Shatterstar’s sword and ends up pinned to the ground, Shatterstar’s foot on his stomach. ‘Star raises his sword, ready to make the killing blow. 

“‘Star,” Julio says, holding his hands up. “Shatterstar. I love you. And I forgive you.” He shuts his eyes. “Do what you gotta do.” 

He hears Shatterstar snarl a war cry, he waits… and then he hears a noise like a bug zapper and the weight above him disappears. Julio opens his eyes to see Shatterstar slumped on the ground, unconscious, and behind him… 

“Longshot?!”

* * *

Everything happens in kind of a blur. Shatterstar is unconscious and then he’s awake again, and then before Julio can even appreciate their reunion, Mojo is there to fuck things up again. Just as Julio’s rearing up to fight, though, tapping into the energy of the ground beneath him, Shatterstar grabs him and whisks them away into the future.

Julio’s exhausted. He’s spent the last few weeks fighting for his life on reality television. He just found out his boyfriend technically has a son, who just happens to be their teammate, he’s being chased by a mobilized, entertainment-obsessed Jabba the Hutt and he’s just time-traveled into the future.

Somehow, things just get weirder, because then he finds Alison and helps her deliver her baby. And that baby is Shatterstar. 

* * *

Julio sits in what used to be Arize’s lab, cradling an infant version of the love of his life, because the multiverse really is that fucking weird. Baby ‘Star grabbed his finger at one point, held on so tightly, and Julio realized how strong this baby was going to be. How strong he would have to be to survive.

Shatterstar comes back, turning around to make sure the door is shut behind him. “I returned Alison to Longshot,” he says. “And I rewired Longshot’s mind so he has no memory of Alison’s pregnancy.”

“‘Star, they’re your parents,” Julio says, looking up from baby Shatterstar to regular Shatterstar, who looks… awful. There are bags under his eyes and he’s too pale and too thin. It’s nice seeing him with longer hair again, but he doesn’t look like he’s been taking care of it. 

“I know,” Shatterstar says, sitting down on the steps beside Julio. “But this is the way it has to happen.” 

Julio realizes with a jolt that this is it, this is the first time they’ve been alone together (minus the baby, although technically because the baby is Shatterstar they’re still alone) since Earth. This is the reunion he wanted. “I love you,” he says, before he can chicken out or get shot or something. “‘Star, I love you so goddamn much.”

Shatterstar tilts his head. “I love you too,” he says. 

“I thought I was never going to see you again,” Julio babbles. “I thought you were dead and I was gonna die and then… and now… ‘Star, I thought—”

“I’m here,” Shatterstar says, leaning into the side of his body, pressing a kiss to Julio’s temple. “I’m here.” He looks down at the baby. “And I’m…  _ here _ , too.”

“This is so weird,” Julio whispers. 

“Once I get the strength to make another jump, we can bring him— me— to the right place,” Shatterstar says, sounding detached. Julio glances over at him and then back at the baby. 

“You mean the slave camps,” he realizes. “We’re taking this baby to Mojo’s forces so they can turn him— you— into a gladiator to fight in Mojo’s arena.” 

“Well. Yes,” Shatterstar says. “You  _ know _ that.”

Julio shakes his head, looking down at the baby. It’s crazy, but he really can  _ see _ Shatterstar in this kid. Aside from the obvious star mark, it’s there in the nose, in his eyes, in the way he balls up his fists. “We could just take him,” he says quietly. “Give him a better life. Away from all of this crap.”

“No,” Shatterstar says. “He has a predetermined course.”

“ _ Why _ though?” Julio whisper-shouts, trying not to wake up baby Shatterstar. “I mean, he’s  _ you _ , ‘Star. If there was anything I could do to spare you the life you had, I’d do it. Let me do it.”

“If I don’t fight in the arena, then I don’t join the Cadre Alliance, then I never come to Earth, then I never join Cable’s team and I never meet you and we never fall in love,” Shatterstar reels off. “History has to happen a certain way.”

“Screw history.”

“You aren’t listening,” Shatterstar pleads. “If I do not endure my life on Mojoworld, then you and I will never meet. You would risk that?”

Julio sighs, wiping at his eyes. “Yeah, I would,” he says, looking away. “I would give you up if it meant saving you, ‘Star.” 

“Well, I wouldn’t,” Shatterstar says. “I wouldn’t give you up, not for anything.”

“Why?” Julio demands, whipping back around to look at Shatterstar. He means it to sound angry or fierce but he just sounds broken, and he’s crying for real now. “Why am I worth that to you? How the hell can I be worth that much to you?” 

Shatterstar kisses him softly and then draws away to look him in the eyes. “I went after Mojo because of you,” he says. “Because he made you fight, and I wanted to save you. I knew I would be captured, I knew he would likely rewire my mind, but I threw myself into the attack anyway because I couldn’t bear to see you in another fight.” 

“Y— you can’t tell me stuff like that,” Julio says, and his body’s starting to shake but it doesn’t matter because he’s so disconnected right now from this strange planet that nothing’s shaking but him. Shatterstar smoothly takes the baby from his arms. “You can’t tell me stuff like that because then it makes it my fault.” 

“Not your fault,” Shatterstar promises. “Look. We’re here right now, together. That’s because of you, because of your strength. When I watched your fights, it angered me but it also gave me hope. Because I knew you were alive, and you were surviving.”

Julio wraps his arms around himself like he can shrink down and disappear into this alien soil. “You watched my fights?” he says flatly. “I didn’t… ‘Star, I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to see me like… to see what I did…” 

“Nothing I haven’t done myself,” Shatterstar reminds him. “You did what you had to do, Julio. I forgive you. The hell with it— I’m proud of you.”

“Don’t say that,” Julio says harshly, thinking about the thud of each unconscious body on the ground. “Hey, though, at least I didn’t kill anybody. I kept a clean record. That counts for something, right?”

Shatterstar gives him a strange look. He tries to hide it by looking down at the baby, but Julio doesn’t miss it. “You didn’t kill anybody?” Shatterstar says. 

“No,” says Julio. “I didn’t want to. So I didn’t. They couldn’t make me. I must’ve fought fifty, sixty battles and I won all of them without killing anyone.” Shatterstar nods, looking like he’s far away. “‘Star?”

“I was thinking about your last fight,” Shatterstar says quickly. “With me.” His voice is even, and he’s looking down at his infant self but Julio can tell by the set of his jaw that he’s upset. “Why did you stop fighting? Why did you… Rictor, you almost let me…” He takes a shuddering breath and Julio immediately feels like he has to comfort him, protect him from all this, but he doesn’t know how. “Why couldn’t you just fight back?” 

Julio leans against him, instinctively reaching up to play with his hair. It’s been ages since ‘Star’s hair was long enough to play with. “You would’ve won,” he points out. “You know you would’ve won. I was gonna die. And if I was gonna die… I wanted the last thing I said to be important.” 

Shatterstar ducks his head down. Julio puts an arm around him and he curls into it. “It… it… it was like before,” ‘Star says. “My body was… not my own. It moved and fought and killed and there was nothing… I could do nothing…” Julio keeps his arm solid around ‘Star, keeps running his fingers through Shatterstar’s chin-length hair. “When I saw you I thought I would be able to stop… I  _ wanted _ to stop, Julio… I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Julio says, his breath lifting up strands of ‘Star’s hair. “We’re okay now.” 

* * *

Once Shatterstar is rested enough, they jump forward in time to leave baby Shatterstar somewhere where he’ll be found. Right before depositing the baby, Julio takes him and holds him close to his chest.

“One day,” he whispers, low enough that even the adult Shatterstar can’t hear, “it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay, kid. I promise you.” 

* * *

They go back to squat in Arize’s old lab while Shatterstar recuperates again. After 100 years, there’s nothing left but the bare bones of the building, but at least they’re staying away from Mojo’s guards.

“I’ll be ready soon,” Shatterstar promises, tipping his head back against the wall, eyes shut in exhaustion. “Then we can go home.”

“Home?” Julio coughs. “Home’s a hellscape, ‘Star. Mephisto’s in charge now. Or someone worse.”

“How can you say that?” Shatterstar says, opening his eyes. “Our friends, our teammates were facing down the Hell gods. Do you have no faith in X-Factor?” He pauses, thinking about it, and then slumps in defeat. “Earth is damned.” 

“So what do we do?” Julio asks, sitting down on the crumbling steps of the old lab. “Where do we go now? I’d rather not stick around on Mojoworld, but I’m not exactly familiar with other planets. Is Asteroid M still a thing?”

“We will go home,” Shatterstar says. “If the Earth isn’t better, we will make it better.”

“‘Star—”

“It’s my home too,” Shatterstar says definitively. “And they’re my friends.”

Julio’s not exactly sure if he means X-Factor or X-Force, but he’s right. They have to go back. “Hey, it’s been over a month,” Julio sighs. “Maybe the Avengers saved the day.”

Shatterstar fixes him with an intense stare. “You said you didn’t kill any of your opponents?” 

Julio blinks. “Uh, yeah,” he says, confused about why ‘Star’s bringing this up again. “I already told you that. I wasn’t gonna kill for that bastard.”

“But…” Shatterstar says finally, looking as though he’s stepping off a ledge. “But Julio, you did.” 

Julio’s chest feels like ice, which is bizarre because he knows what Shatterstar’s saying isn’t true. “No, I didn’t,” Julio says. “I think I would know if I killed someone. I roughed ‘em up, but everybody I knocked down was still breathing.”

“Julio,” Shatterstar says softly, so softly, “I’ve watched every fight. There… there  _ were _ casualties.” He’s only across the room but Shatterstar feels miles, light years away, a cold and distant star. 

“Then you weren’t watching them right, or Mojo lied or something,” Julio says, his pulse jumping in his throat. What the hell is going on? “I’m telling you, for all the time I was in that arena, I didn’t kill anyone.” 

“How long were you in the arena?” Shatterstar says.

Julio stares at him. “I tried counting, but it got hard. It must’ve been… six, seven weeks.” 

Shatterstar’s eyes are so sad and incomprehensible that it sends a genuine shiver, not a tremor but a  _ shiver _ , through Julio. “Rictor,” Shatterstar says, “we’ve been here for over a year.” 

No. That can’t be true, because… because… “That’s not possible,” Julio splutters, his whole body quaking. Now cracks are beginning to appear in the floor. The room is swaying… “No, I didn’t, I c- _ couldn’t _ , they were all alive and I… there’s no way we’ve been here that long, I would’ve remembered—”

“Julio.” Shatterstar is by his side suddenly, perched next to him on the steps. “Julio, calm down. Please calm down. I’m here. I’m here with you. You’re not in the arena anymore.”

“I don’t remember,” Julio says, only partly aware of the tears rolling down his face. “I don’t remember anyone d-dying. Why don’t I… ?”

Shatterstar reaches out to cup the side of Julio’s face, his eyes full of sorrow and pain and, beneath that, of the righteous fury of a man who has fought the same war for far too long. “Mojo,” he says flatly. “He rewired my brain. Must have done the same to you. Made you forget.”

“How many?” Julio asks. Shatterstar hesitates and a sob wrenches its way out of Julio’s throat, ugly and loud. “You said you watched every fight, you said you watched me,  _ how many _ ?”

Finally Shatterstar says, “Thirteen.” 

Julio shatters.

He clings to ‘Star and sobs, his face pressed against Shatterstar’s shoulder as he cries and cries. Suddenly, he is thirteen years old and sending three city blocks in Mexico crumbling to the ground. Suddenly, he is fourteen and The Right is using him, taunting him, digging their needles into him and turning him into a weapon. Suddenly, he is fifteen and San Francisco is shaking, shaking, shaking, is breaking and falling into the sea, is—

“I know how difficult it is for you to be brave,” Shatterstar says, trailing his fingers through Julio’s hair. “You do it anyway. I love you for that.” 

“I killed thirteen people,” Julio says, feeling like maybe if he says it out loud it won’t feel so horrible. Or that it will break the spell and he’ll wake up from this nightmare where he is a monster and he is a tool, a toy for Mojo to play with, and he is all these things and ‘Star loves him anyway. “I wanna go home,” Julio says, feeling wrung out and used and so, so tired. “I don’t care if it’s Hell. It’s still home. I wanna go home.” 

“Then,” ‘Star says, standing up without letting go of his hand, “think of home.” He pulls out his swords. “Picture home. And we will go there.” 


End file.
